Sitting in this bathtub. Just as vulnerable inside than I am out.
Holding this bottle of alcohol. As inebriated inside than I am out.
Holding my breath underwater. As drowned inside than I am out.
Awake, eyes red, body hot, alive. Yet dead inside as opposed out.
I’ve got the cold wind and the dark front porch.
The creaky door and the flickering light.
The cancer and the weeds that grow in my heart, mind, and soul.
The fading smoke and the shiver in my throat.
It’s a dizzy world and I’m off to bed, fearing another spinning dream.
Kiss me goodnight one more time even when the sun has not yet set.
Tell me those words that stops the room from turning grey.
I need your smile.
Just here with black lungs and a cold room.
A cluttered mind and a slow-beating heart.
I give in as the world turns sideways.
I lay the kiss you cannot hear.
Every word you say still makes my heart flutter. I still feel the butterflies filling the cavities of my body whenever you say. You still melt my soul with that smile of yours. Your touch still warms my cold skin.
And I still mean it when I say that I’m in love with you.
My sympathy goes out to you.
One human being to another.
But now, you feel my pain as I feel your pleasure.
Suffer what I had suffered.
Let every excruciating moment be felt.
Let every drop of your blood spill as I fill my body back with the ones that I had lost.
Go through the personal hell that I had traveled through.
Feel the sting of the fire.
Let your skin melt.
Let your insides boil.
Run through the dark.
Get lost within confusion.
Let every tear fall.
Let out every scream.
I’m infatuated by the stillness of your sleep. I try to sync my breathing with yours. My heart has functioned all over again. Your smile intensifies the beat. You make me hope again. To believe that someone can still love the shredded remains of this pathetic, worthless excuse of a human.
Stop wasting your time trying to wish upon them. The shine we see in the night sky are a billion years late. Stop having faith in the slightest twinkle. The stars have burnt out and perished. Accept the fact that we shall too.
I saw that boy crying. He lay alone in his room, curled up like a ball. What was I supposed to do but watch? I couldn’t do anything. Yet, seeing him broken down caused a pain I never really understood until I saw him. There he was, scratching at his head, pulling his hair, punching the walls until they turned white, to red, to scarlet in blood and scratches. I cringed as his own blood graffitied the walls that held him together.
But what was I to do? To sit there and watch him crumble? I was powerless. My position is not high enough to intervene. Before I turned to walk away, to walk back home, I heard him let out a sob from the barrage of angry shrieks.
What was I to do? How could I help him? After all, here I am, happy with my own life, watching him suffer.
I was in no position to comfort him. He was to learn for himself. In my heart, I knew he would soon be fixed. Soon be healed. Soon be happy. After all, that boy used to be me.
You make me feel like such a failure. A worthless nothing. Your power is beautiful. I am destroyed.
I wish I could see you one more time so you can see what I’ve placed my body through, because you let me go.
I want you to sit there and watch me bleed. Watch how I keep running it deep across my skin again and again. See me try and wash away the blood with the tears you have caused to run down.
Watch me slowly die. But don’t you move a muscle. Don’t you try and save me. When you said the words you said, you had murdered me. I had died long before my heart stopped beating.
I remember how I proud I was to call you mine.
I remember how much I really loved you.
I remember how much you loved me.
I remember how long you didn’t talk to me.
I remember when you left me for the first time.
I remember when you left me for the second time.
I remember what I was doing each time you broke my heart.
I remember every single moment that I had wasted, hoping with all I had to believe.
But that’s all gone now. No more belief. God, hope, and your love have disappeared. Abandoned me.
What I’ve left is an empty shell that I harbor within.
A lifeless vessel. A corpse, still animated.
Some problems are meant to be kept to myself. Harmful habits kept secret. Wounds kept hidden. Blood kept flowing. Blades kept running. Suffering kept beating.
Let me swallow the pain as the show keeps going. Let them know not of what happens backstage. What matters is the performance we give. Our own affairs, my shiny, sharp lover and I, must be kept to ourselves. They don’t understand us, and try to keep me away from her. But she’s the only one I love. It’s all but stainless love.
We had made passionate love tonight. We had celebrated our success. It is wondrous, how we’ve fooled them. Tonight, your edges run deep within me. Scratching. Cutting open. We felt each other, inside one another. I feel your cold love as you felt my disparity. And we shall repeat again soon.
I go to sleep, running, flowing. Turning our bed scarlet. I sleep temporarily light weighted. Tomorrow, I will feel heavy once again. I’ll return to you, for you have the magic to make me feel light again.
I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. Hide away in the drawer with my other kept secrets. Perfection in my pocket. Stainless beauty wrapped in stained rubbish. Stained, red rubbish.
Till we meet again. I love you.
It was there that the woman lay. Her head was wrapped in a floral-print bonnet. Her eyes were closed, peacefully yet shallow, resting over the dark circles that wrapped around them. She looked more of a raccoon than woman, for that matter. Her breathing was short, leaving everyone guessing whether she had trouble breathing or that was just how she snored. She was almost motionless on her hospital bed; with the only thing moving is her chest as she took in short, deep breaths of air.
My shiny friend.
Oh, how I’ve missed you.
My wrist longs for the sharp touch of your caressing lines.
It needs your painful embrace.
Hold it tight and see it cry scarlet.
It cries for you.
I’ve missed you dearly.
Don’t leave us again.
We need you.
I want to tear you apart. Shatter your heart. Abduct you and abandon your soul out in the desert. Leave it for the vultures.
I am dead. Risen again. Reanimated by hate. I rise from the grave to come for you. I have rolled out the boulder to seek you.
I will find you. I will break you. I will bury you where I had been laid to rest. The sharp, shiny worms will dig into your wrists and back. Your knuckles will be shredded by the pink wood. Your broken and bleeding nails digging into rocks that serve as your blanket.
You will rest in my place. I want to hear you scream. Scream my name. Call for help. Now you will understand what I’ve went through. Sleep safe, my love. Vengeance is mine and mine alone.
A kiss goodnight, I leave upon your lips. Remember the feeling. The pleasure. The ecstasy. For it will never come again. Suffocate from our memories. May your own tears drown you. May the mementos imprison you. Burn it all. It will still be there. I will still be here.
Life is my paper, pain is my ink.
And everyday, I dread of the time when I’d have to reach for the pen to write again. All I wish is to be born limbless.
To be born, being unable to write. An immobile corpse, a life I’d rather live, even if it were lifeless. No arms to use, no heart to keep them reaching.
To write again, spilling the ink that had tore me apart in a past life. A fear that creeps on me. Lurking at the world’s corners, creeping up the walls.
Let me close my eyes, rip off my arms, in hopes, I’ll never write again. For you see, life is my paper, but pain is my ink. For I dread to write again.